There’s A Mons-turd At The End Of This Interview

If you came here looking for answers to your questions about Northern California’s Sexy Prison you probably won’t find them here. In fact, the band requested that their responses not be edited, which Bettawreckonize happily obliged because we’re lazy, so this interview is just barely comprehensible (if not totally unreadable). But there are a few things you can surmise from the text of this interview: Sexy Prison play shows naked; Sexy Prison are not your new best friends; and most importantly, Sexy Prison might just be one of those rare musical enigmas put the guess work and magic back into punk rock.

Bettawreckonize caught up with the co-conspirators behind the fauggiest band on the planet and wishes you the best of luck at deciphering this shit.

Interview conducted via e-mail by Tim Anderl. Pictures provided by Sexy Prison.

Band: Sexy Prison
Names: John Pritchard (some stuff), Robert Pickle (some other stuff)

BW: Were you both in Corpse Fucks Corpse? Why the split to form this band?

J: PART 1: NO, ME THE ONLY CORPSE FAUG TO EVALUATE SEXUAL PRESSIN.
PART 2: SEXY P'ZONE WAS FORMED WHEN TWO VAGS HAD TOO MUCH THYME ON
THEIR HANDS AND POSSESS A DESIRE TO EXPLORE THE ZONE. ALSO SEX PRAESON IS AWESOME TO ATTAIN FINANCIAL GREATNESS THROUGH EXPARTING MARCH AND XXCELENT WEBSITE DESIGNED. SEE WWW.SEXYPRISON.COM FOR MORE INFO. I GET IN SOME BANDS BECAUSE OF LOVE FOR HUEY LEWIS AND THE NEWS' LP "SPORTS".

R: john probably wanted to be in a band with a real man.

BW: That is the worst looking/sounding website I've ever seen. Is that your tour ride on the front page?

J: NO, ACTUALLY WE TOUR IN A SPEEDBOAT OR SOMETIMES A YACHT LIKE THAT SHOW HULKSTER WAS ON CALLED THUNDERBOAT. THAT IS WHY WE CAN NEVER PLAY CONNETICIUT.

R: we have an intertube tied to the back that is fun.

BW: You guys released a 7" with Omnibus in the not so distant past. Is it out of print yet?

J: LOL, WTF, OMG, OH NO, THAT RECORD WILL NEVER BE OOP. UNTIL THEY ARE ALL SOLD BY STORES OR AT SHOWS WE SOMETIME PLAY. OMG. SPEAKING OF WHICH, HOW COME YOU HAVE NOT REVIEWD IT YET? SERIOUSLY, WTF?

R: ROFL, john is 110% dead wrong here. there were 10000 pressed and we sold them all in two weeks. if you see one you should buy it immediately because that shit is like oops tour 2005 now.

BW: So your music is comprised of bass, beats and vocals, right? Any subliminal messages or studio trickery our readers should know about?

R: we tried to get that one carl's junior commercial that went "meet the new guy! hi, my name's bob. hey bob, have a seat. you know what would really be great right now, a rich juicy cheeseburger. i'll say, if there's any place open right now that has one of those i'll buy! REALLY!" then they broomhandle his anus and the drive through lady has apparently seen this one before. "you're the new guy, eh?" and bob lets out a crestfallen "yeah." that commercial is great because it symbolizes being vegan and how people always try to conform. sexy prison is not about conformity. when i rushed THETA CHI last year i thought it was cool because then i could get into grad business school easier, but after hell week and when they made us drink all this tecate and then like a fucking raw egg and i puked and they made me feel like a real pussy. that's when i knew that vegan life is the life for me. I don't like to abide by anyone's "rules" and i think that carries over to sexy prison, because sexy prison is not about conformity.

J: MAYBE THIS WILL BE LESS CONFUSE: GOING INTO THE STUDIO CONSISTS OF GOING INTO CONCERTO'S BEDROOM WITH A FITH OF JIM BEAM AND "HITTING THE BOOKS". THEN WE COME UP WITH JOKES AND MAKE FART NOISES TO RUIN THE RECORD ON PURPOSE. THIS HAPPENS FOR A FEW HOURS AND THEN WE GET TIRED AND SOMEONE GOES HOME AND WATCHES PAULA POUNDSTONE STAND UP AND WHO'S LINE IS IT ANYWAY? RERUNS TO GET IDEAS FOR NEW SONGS. NOT MANY PEOPLE UNDERSTARG THE FINER POINTS OF HOW TO BE AWESOZE, BUT SAXY PRUSUN FOR SOME REASON DOES FOR SOME REASON. THAT IS THE SECRET TO SUCCESS, LIKE THAT ONE PART IN PREDATOR.

BW: Does what happens on the road really stay on the road when pictures of your wieners end up on Light Up The Sky?

J: CORRECTION: ACTUALLY, LIGHT UP THE SKY ONLY SHOWED BUTTZ BECAUSE THEY ARE STRAIGHT VAGS. LIKE, THERE WERE NO PICTURES OF US RIDING SILVERBAXKS AFTERWEARDS OR FIGHTING MAD PITBULLS IN THE HOTEL ROOM AFTER EVERY SHOW. NO REALLY, HAHAHA 2FUNNY BUT WE TELL EVERYONE
ABOUT ANTICS BUT THEY THINK WE ARE LYING UNTIL THEY SEE PICTURES OF US EATING PIZZA OFF THE BACK OF THAT GIRL FLOTING FACE DOWN IN THE HOTTUB AT THE HOLIDAY INN IN BAKERSFIELD. THEN THEY KNOW WE ARE ALWAYS TELL TRUTH. DEAD TRANNIES FOR LIFE, YO.

R: no, what hapens in cancun stays in cancun. UNLESS you are in "the real cancun" in which case you had better keep a wrap on things, HELLO. maybe france too, i hear the men there like to throw it in the brown and will nag and nag and nag, HELLO. there are lots of polariods of our bits and pieces out there already.

BW: I think you're wrong about Robert's wenis not being on LUTS. Totally underwhelming dude....

J: WE ARE USING TH EMOENEY FROME NXT SHOW TO BUY CGI EFFECTS TO ENHANCE OUR BONERZ. NAXT TIME YOU SEE CONCERTO'S SCHLONG IT WILL BE BIGGER THAN LEONARD PART 6.

R: OK, this is where i beat you up. it was cold. i don't need this,
this is crazy this is crazy this is crazy. i told mehran to "touch
it up" but i think he got jealous so shrunk it down maybe. it is
actually big, but it was like nighttime and the sweat and the breeze
was putting in a windchill. i have a big penis. no really.

BW: Tell us something embarrassing about the Gift of Goats from the GOG/Sexy Prison tour so our readers don't leave our website to find those pictures of your wieners.

J: HMMM. MAYBE THE PART ABOUT JAY WEARING A DAISHIKI FOR NOT IRONIC TIMES. ALSO, JUSTIN LOOKING LIKE HUEY LEWIS ALL THE TIME WAS KIND OF SHAMEING.

R: the other time we toured together dan bought a pack of like the trojan MAGNUM condoms at some truckstop at like 3 in the morning or something. i thought it was a joke but i didn't know dan that well i guess and i lost a $5 bet with him later on. anyway dan told the counter lady that he was going to use them on me but it was late and I wasn't paying attention so instead of being LOLZ and winking or pretending that it was true i just said "uhh, no that's not true" and then I bought a payday and a code red for tha' road. i think that is embarassing for me because i again let the funny slip away, i would have totally freaked that attendent out if i had said he would use those condoms on me. because then i would be gay and her mind would be in outer space with her seeing a gay guy and stuff, it would have been amazing. like WHOA.

J: THAT TOUR WAS GREAT. THERE WAS ONLY ONE SHOW AND IT WAS IN PORTLAND.

BW: What is the most unusual place that Sexy Prison have played?

J: THIS QUESTION IS REALLY HARD. SEYX PRASEON HAS NOT PLAYD ANYWHERE INTERSTING. MOST UNUSUAL IS PLCES LIKE CAFE DU NORD IN SAN FRANSICSO THAT ARE PROBABLY TOO NICE FOR US TO BE AT. PLAY USUAL PLACES LIKE BARS, LIVING ROOMS, ETC. TOO MUCH TO NOT SAY THOSE ARE THE USUAL.

R: we like to only play at 21+ places because places where under 21 'uns are allowed are always stupid. if you are under 21 please get out of the scene, no one appreciates your lack of starpower and earnestness.

BW: Any luck building that "burrito gun" I sent you the plans for a while back? What were your intentions for that?

J: NO. IME NOT MOST MECHANICALLY INCLIND DAWSON. THE IDEA WAS TO SHOOT BURRITOS OR MAYBE A LOT OF NACHOS INTO MY OWN MOUTH.

R: the burrito gun is old news. there aren't enough suitable burritos around here anyway. the nacho gun idea is intriguing though. The schematics are simple: same as a burrito gun, but you don't have to" prepare" the nachos. you toss in chips, raw cubes of velveeta, some green onions or whatever, pack it down, then shoot the mixture at someone or a couch or something soft, yet firm. upon impact the translational energy is converted into thermal energy which melts the cheese and bond the chips to eachother, your nacho variables, and to the person you shot it at. instant piping hot nachos. This will also work with eggs if shot fast enough so that the egg goop scrambles faster than it flies apart.

BW: Have you guys done any more recording? If so, when and where will we see that come out?

J: SEX PRICIN IS RECORDING SOME STUFF RIGHT NOW. MAYBE NOT THIS SECOND THAT THIS IS TYPING ON COMPUTER, BUT LIKE IN THE FEW MINUTES AFTER WRITE THIS. AS FOR "COMING OUT" IF BY ON A "REAL" CD OR LONG PLAYING PHONOGRAF RECORD, WATCH FOR SMETHING LATER THSI SUMMER OR EARLY FALL DEPENDING ON WHERE YOU LIVE WHICH WILL BE CRITICALLY
ACCLAIMED AND ALSO CALLED "ITALIANS WHO JUST SAW ROCKY". ALSO WE WILL BE MAKING NEW SHIRTS THAT ARE ALL EXTRALAREG ONLY. MORE DUDES SHOULD TAKE THEIR SHIRTS OFF WHEN SXZY PRZEN IS ONSTAGE FOR ADDED GAY. MAYBE VISIT WWW.S-SRECORDS.COM TO BUY A COPY OF "BABYHEAD" COMPILATION LP THAT HAS SARX PRIBIN TRACK LIMIT TO 1000 ON WITE
VIYNL.

R: there's some 3" cd that is grafted to a 12" vinyl record out there somewhere too, but someone spilled gatorade on a box them and now they're all gone. there's a bunch of small recordings on my computer that will probably never see the light of ebay until 2007, the year everything starts going "right" for me and everyone around me. speaking of ebay i'm selling some "rare" PING golfballs for like $50 or something insane, i found them in my closet and i guess my brother was going to hit them at the driving range but some guy was like, "nuh uh buddy, those are like $9 balls you're swinging at." anyway yeah new LP out in a short bit.

BW: What are the band's plans for the summer?

J: 4. PLAY SHOWS WITH OTHER BANDS. !. WATCH SOUL PLANE. 2. FINISH RECORD. 5. TOUR. 16. BREAK UP. 3. DIE.

R: the town i live in is too liberal for soul plane, none of the theatres have it. i saw an interview with snoop dogg and he said there's already going to be a sequel. but what i really want to know is: how awesome would a soul plane trilogy be? dvd boxsets and shit.

BW: Magnum, Phat Boy, Crazy Horse, or Zima?

J: DUE TO COANTRACTRULE OBLIGATOINS, ZIMA OF COURSE. ALSO, BECAUSE TI IS TOTALLY DELISCIOUS. USUALLY I POUR IT ON MANBOOBS AND DO BODY SHOTZ OFF OF MYSELF SOMETIMES. ZIMA MAKE S FOR EXLENT GIN N TONIX MICKS.

R: what. what are those first three, i've never heard of those. No seriously, some zima rep dude named renee saw us in Hollywood wearing sleeveless tees and stopped us and asked us to take our picture in his house, which was pretty weird and he actually took some shots of me naked and said i was handsome. anyway in payment he gave us some zima banners and like these little zima toys and this inflatable zima cellphone and he also said he's mailing us a check for $1000 but we still haven't gotten it. at this point i think it was a scam. and i don't even like zima, john brought some over one time and i was like "this is weak" and drank some jim beam and spit a fireball into my dad's face.

BW: So why did you guys fire your DJ? I liked Sexy Prizkit a lot better.

J: DJ BOOGERFINGER DIDN'T GET FIRIED, IT IS JUST NOT ABLE TO ATTEND THE THIRD DIMESNION ANYMOORE FOR SOME REASON. THIS QUESTON DOES NOT
MAKE SENSE.

R: 1) not enough room in the car 2) not fire, we weren't paying him. We were basically like, "OK rick, we like your moves but.." actually let me email him so you can get it from the horse's mouth.. (a day later) he just called me a douchebag and didn't answer any questions so i won't quote him. it was really an amiable split though, i just think john and i were trying to move sexy prison in a different direction.

J: OH YEAH, THERE WAS ALSO THAT TIME SCOTT SORIANO ASKED US TO MAKE HIM SPIN WHELS OF STEAL AT ONE OF OUR SHOWS. HE TOTALLY BITCHED OUT WHEN I TOTLD HIM HE WOULD NEED HIM TO SCRATCH COLLECTIVLE PUNK 45'S THAT HE WOULD BJUST SELLING ON EBAY ANYWAY.

BW: I heard Sexy Prison was working on a mash up Jay Z/"brown note" album called the Black and Brown album? Can we get it on one minute cassettes? How limited will it be?

J: THIS IS A LIE TO YOU. THERE WILL BE A LIMITED EDITION COPY OF ONE THAT IS IN YOUR IMAGINATION, I HIOPE YOU LIKE TI AND IT CAN HAVE A POSITIVE REVIEW AND CHANGE THE FACE OF MUSIC FOREVER.

R: i have 2.5 minute cassettes, but really- fuck jay z. i can sell coke for a week and rap about it forever too. rob g is the only person who can almost back up the fact that jay z is not a complete vag, but i still don't buy it. nas, friends. nas: the last real nigga alive. jay's girl is a little hotter, but kelis has more style. actually nevermind, that puts her over the top. i'm not sure who's voting who best rapper alive but if it's that fatass philly freeway dude then i must veto with a vengance. otherwise sexy prison wants to do a mashup of skull kontrol and wham's careless whisper AKA the best pop song ever written. sexy prison will just be the extra dick in the mmf. it will be limited to 19 and then we will complain when people sell them on ebay.